Wednesday, May 12, 2004
I’ve been struggling…
This struggling takes on many different dimensions. I’m not specifically meaning here the struggle against sins (though I have that daily as well), but more a struggle for my own personhood. If this is sounding vague and unintelligible, just you wait till I get started, and then it will be completely incomprehensible.
I liken it to that state of numb semi-shock the body goes into after being injured. I remember once when I was working on a saw-line up in Washington. The normal procedure after each job was to shut down these enormous saws and wait the five or six minutes for the blades to stop spinning before cleaning out the drop off pile. But in practice, most of the time we just left the thing running and used a long stick to clean it.
Until one day my stick wasn’t quite long enough…
What happened is that my hand got pulled into the 36” blade, and I almost lost my thumb. As I stood there staring at my bleeding hand that was cut down to the bone, all I could think was “Whoah, that looks weird…” It didn’t occur to me for what seemed like minutes that it was my hand I was staring at. I knew it was cut, I knew it was bleeding, but there was no pain and no connection to reality. Not until the lineman standing six feet away started gesticulating wildly (it was too loud to hear someone yelling), did reality set in and I thought, “WHOAH…THAT’S MY THUMB!!!!” Then the pain came.
You see, as I stated a few posts ago, my wife and I are trying to have children. But there have been some complicating factors that are really starting to worry me. Without going into details, let’s just say that four doctor visits (between three different doctors) later we still don’t even know what the problem is. There’s another doctor visit next week planned, but I feel like no one’s taking us seriously. Just so you know, this isn’t a “there might be something wrong” kind of problem, but a “there is most definitely something severely wrong” kind of problem.
But like the incident with my thumb, I’m not distressed yet. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. The problem’s been there for three months now, and it could potentially mean children aren’t in the cards for us. If you know me, you know how much this should bother me. And it does, but most of that concern is for my wife and how she would take this rather than for myself. It’s the strangest place I’ve ever been in. I’m not the typical emotionally disconnected male, and lesser things have crushed me in the past. But I’m still just staring at that thumb.
I was hesitant to put this out before the whole world, but then I remembered that there’s only eight of you who read this. Actually though, I really covet your prayers. More than anything right now, I ask you prayers for us.
It’s kinda funny...I just now realized while I was writing this that there’s this guy...six feet away....and he’s doing some kind of wild gesticulating....HEY…this is MY life...yep...now I’m starting to feel it.
This struggling takes on many different dimensions. I’m not specifically meaning here the struggle against sins (though I have that daily as well), but more a struggle for my own personhood. If this is sounding vague and unintelligible, just you wait till I get started, and then it will be completely incomprehensible.
I liken it to that state of numb semi-shock the body goes into after being injured. I remember once when I was working on a saw-line up in Washington. The normal procedure after each job was to shut down these enormous saws and wait the five or six minutes for the blades to stop spinning before cleaning out the drop off pile. But in practice, most of the time we just left the thing running and used a long stick to clean it.
Until one day my stick wasn’t quite long enough…
What happened is that my hand got pulled into the 36” blade, and I almost lost my thumb. As I stood there staring at my bleeding hand that was cut down to the bone, all I could think was “Whoah, that looks weird…” It didn’t occur to me for what seemed like minutes that it was my hand I was staring at. I knew it was cut, I knew it was bleeding, but there was no pain and no connection to reality. Not until the lineman standing six feet away started gesticulating wildly (it was too loud to hear someone yelling), did reality set in and I thought, “WHOAH…THAT’S MY THUMB!!!!” Then the pain came.
You see, as I stated a few posts ago, my wife and I are trying to have children. But there have been some complicating factors that are really starting to worry me. Without going into details, let’s just say that four doctor visits (between three different doctors) later we still don’t even know what the problem is. There’s another doctor visit next week planned, but I feel like no one’s taking us seriously. Just so you know, this isn’t a “there might be something wrong” kind of problem, but a “there is most definitely something severely wrong” kind of problem.
But like the incident with my thumb, I’m not distressed yet. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. The problem’s been there for three months now, and it could potentially mean children aren’t in the cards for us. If you know me, you know how much this should bother me. And it does, but most of that concern is for my wife and how she would take this rather than for myself. It’s the strangest place I’ve ever been in. I’m not the typical emotionally disconnected male, and lesser things have crushed me in the past. But I’m still just staring at that thumb.
I was hesitant to put this out before the whole world, but then I remembered that there’s only eight of you who read this. Actually though, I really covet your prayers. More than anything right now, I ask you prayers for us.
It’s kinda funny...I just now realized while I was writing this that there’s this guy...six feet away....and he’s doing some kind of wild gesticulating....HEY…this is MY life...yep...now I’m starting to feel it.
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